Behaviour Management Tips from the Virtues Project

Behavior Management Tips: Using The Virtues Project™ to Bring out the Best in Your Children

Founded by Linda Kavelin Popov in 1997, The Virtues Project™ has caught the attention of daycare providers, teachers, organizations and workplaces around the world. Popov was a guest on Oprah, who said that this book could be the parenting guide that parents have been looking for. The Virtues Project™ has been embraced by countless parents who aim to bring out the best in themselves and their children.

Virtues are different from values. A value is something held in high regard and can vary from family to family, country to country. A virtue is a universal quality of character that exists in all human beings. To illustrate the difference consider this story: For North American and Japanese soldiers service is highly valued. When a North American soldier has been prisoner of war, he holds in high regard the value of enduring his imprisonment and shows great courage in withstanding the treatment from his captors. For Japanese soldiers, on the other hand, when a soldier is taken as a prisoner of war, he holds in high regard the values of his country which express that it is better to be dead than to be held captive by an enemy. Therefore, a Japanese soldier will exercise his courage to take his own life rather than remain imprisoned. The values are different but the underlying virtue of courage is the same. This is the way virtues are universal and why they are different from values.
The following list names the five strategies in The Virtues Project that parents can use to see the virtues their child easily demonstrates and to encourage those the child struggles with to be more developed.
Recognize Teachable Moments
A Tlingit elder said, “Life is for learning our lessons.” Recognizing teachable moments is a way to notice the opportunities for growing and learning that are found in our experiences everyday. In regards to raising children, Popov writes that “a teachable moment is one which calls for a virtue.” When an opportunity occurs in which a parent can acknowledge a virtue the child is practicing or exhibiting.
Speak the Language of the Virtues
Language has a power to empower or discourage. Instead of using labels for children such as a “good kid” or a “problem child” the daycare provider can use the language of the virtues to remind the child about the virtue that they have forgotten. In this way a child will come to view themselves in light of the qualities of character they poses. From Popov’s book the example is given that a child in this environment may be found saying something such as, “Today I had trouble with patience, but I was helpful when I set the table.”
Set Clear Boundaries
Many parents struggle with the question “How do I raise my children with authority without damaging their self-esteem?” In fear of doing it wrong but not sure how to do it right, many parents have become ambivalent. Setting clear boundaries is a way to become an educative parent rather than permissive, dominant or wavering between the two. An educative parenting style is based on the idea that the authority of a parent is in the service of a child’s learning. Popov writes that “The goal of effective parental authority is to enable children to develop their own inner authority, a sense of personal responsibility, and an ability to make conscious moral choices.”

Honour the Spirit
A parent honors their children’s spirit when they give their children the freedom to explore their talents and abilities. Letting a child stand beside you on a stool is a great way to guide them to develop their own skills. Acknowledging their efforts by saying, “Ann, I noticed your determination today when you were learning to crack an egg. It wasn’t easy at first, but you didn’t give up and you succeeded.” Other ways to honour the spirit can include honoring family members daily when sharing and listening to each other’s stories of the day. Some families include prayer or meditation in their day as a way to express their thanksgiving and the blessings in their lives.
Offer the Art of Spiritual Companioning
“Counseling is a big part of a parent’s job description,” writes Popov, “the best way to serve as a child’s spiritual companion is to be present to the child, especially when strong feelings come.” She says it best in her own words. Whatever the child is feeling, “it always helps to have a parent there as a respectful, loving genuinely present witness… True comfort comes with simple acknowledgment statements such as “Ooh, that really hurt,” “That was a nasty fall,” or “Your knee really got banged,” instead of deflections or rescues such as “We’ll put ice on it and then it will be all better, or minimizing “Don’t cry. It’s just a little scrape.” Get the ice, but as you do so, you can honour the truth of their experience.”
Which strategy is the most appealing for you at this moment?
What steps can you take today to put this strategy into place?
What can you do today to acknowledge a virtue you see in your child?